How I Was Hired By IBM

You all might have wondered how a clown like me ended up working for IBM.

In 1987, I worked for TRW in the same building tower made famous by the Falcon and the Snowman a decade earlier. That’s an interesting story all by itself. It was a top secret campus in the Los Angeles area. The company restricted foreign travel without prior permission and, if granted, I was subject to FBI and other interrogation upon my return. So there’s that. 

Through the technology grapevine, I heard IBM was holding open interviews on the following Saturday. It was a low-key affair since they were only looking for eight new hires. The notice encouraged applicants to either apply in person or mail a resume. Having the chances of a sunny day in Seattle, I decided to just show up and be turned down right away.

A greeter ushered me into a huge auditorium more crowded than an African anthill. I didn’t know at the time, but over 8,000 computer wannabe geniuses had shown up and there were an additional 13,000 resumes piled high in offices and corridors; all for eight jobs. My odds just went down to less than Custer’s limbo level. There I was, waiting among the restless aphids for an anteater to devour us one by one.

A member of the IBM staff would regularly enter the room to announce the names of 5 to 10, whom she would escort to another room to begin the interview process. Then there was the uncommon occurrence when the staff announced a single name who was shown the elevator and given directions to the first floor. I had guessed this was the case, but I was wrong. It was exactly the opposite.

When I was called alone to escort the staff member, I assumed I was headed home, but she instead placed me in a smaller room with 6 to 8 other potential interviewees. IBM had actually sent the larger groups packing with a thanks for coming. I sat and listened to the others practicing their pitches on each other.

“I created a more efficient method to manage international funds transfers,” said one.

“Yeah, well, I invented the Air Traffic Control system everybody uses today,” said another.

“Amateurs,” a third jumped in rudely. “I built the system that monitors the readiness of our nuclear missiles.”

That’s when Custer’s limbo stick fell to earth without bouncing and was immediately buried 6 feet under. There was no room on their planet for me. These accomplishments were far and away in another level of human consciousness. I imagined myself sitting for this interview looking like Barney Fife with a Porky Pig stutter.

A few of these applicants were called while I plotted my escape. I had thoughts of becoming invisible and simply strolling out under cover of the huge potted plants strategically positioned around the office. Or, there were always excuses like internal hemorrhaging or the sudden death of a great-great-grandmother.

Before I could fully decide, they called me for my one-on-one. I expected a group rubber hose interrogation, but I ended up facing off with a single, very professional manager. I sat while he scanned my curriculum vitae of lies and suppositions.

“There are 4 or 5 skills here that I can use right away,” he noted.

“Is that my resume you’re readying?” I asked in disbelief.

He didn’t ask me to walk him through the resume. He didn’t question my skills. He didn’t even ask me to spell chrysanthemum or onomatopoeia. I didn’t hear much of the rest of the conversation. When I left, I was thankful that the experience was over and vowed never to do anything vaguely similar again. Who needed a regular job, anyway?

On Monday, I was back at TRW where I spent my lunch hours reading the history of the Vietnam War from the Russian perspective. TRW had a very extensive research library focused on foreign strategies, threats, and knowledge banks. At any rate, I quickly forgot about IBM and my less than gratifying weekend in downtown LA.

Two months passed, and the phone rang. IBM offered one of the 8 positions to me. I couldn’t have been happier. Well, maybe if that Nigerian prince had finally confirmed my lottery winnings. But just like that, I became one of the first in a new department IBM was creating pointing away from strict hardware support toward consulting services. It proved to be a very strategic move for the corporation. Within a decade, software and consulting services became larger than the hardware side of the business.

How I Was Hired by IBM

​Business is Business     |     The Hollow Man Series, International Espionage​

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